Game, Set, and Matchmaker
by Deathly Noted
Summary: Near and Linda think that Mello and Matt are secretly gay for each other and decide to set them up. Near/Linda & Mello/Matt.


"Near, I think I finally understand why you sit like that. You're so gay that it hurts too much to put your whole ass on the floor, right?" Matt said crudely, and Mello laughed, kicking at Near's raised knee for emphasis and almost knocking the white-haired boy off balance, and by then Mello and Matt were both in hysterics. Finding as many ways as possible in which to call Near gay was their latest inside joke, having evolved from previous insults about how Near would never be able to get a girlfriend, and before that, jabs at how even Near's own mother couldn't love him and had abandoned him at an orphanage.

Basically, this was Near's day-to-day experience at Wammy's House, so with practiced ease he ignored the pair and continued to put together his puzzle on the floor, not reacting even when Mello pushed some pieces out of reach with the tips of his bare toes. As anticipated, eventually his antagonizers grew bored of the one-sided game and wandered off to torture some other child, leaving Near alone and mildly annoyed that now he had to stand up and collect the puzzle pieces that Mello and Matt had scattered about the common room; or so he thought, until he saw a familiar pair of bare legs bend down to pick them up, one by one, and return them to the pile by Near's side.

"You missed a good game today, you really should come outside more often," came the usual greeting, and Near glanced up at Linda as she plopped down beside him on the chilly common room floor, her face flushed and pigtails ruffled from exercise. "…Don't you ever get sick of that?"

"No, this puzzle is my favorite," Near replied blandly, his eyes fixated on the complex, almost indiscernible landscape he was in the process of reconstructing, only the slightest variations in shade giving clues as to how to put it back together; it had been a Christmas gift from Linda, hand-crafted and hand-drawn with a mastery that only her artistic skills could have achieved, far exceeding the work of any common toy or hobby shop. It must've taken her days, weeks even, to make it for him, although she had never admitted as much when he had asked her about it.

"Ahh, stop saying that!" Linda said, sounding embarrassed, but happy, and Near smiled slightly in turn although he did not meet her eyes. "But that's not what I meant. I was talking about Mello and Matt calling you gay, all day, everyday. It's like they've forgotten every other word in their vocabulary."

"Hmm, I'm not particularly bothered… I'm used to it by now, and there is nothing to get defensive about because I am well aware of my sexual orientation in any case," Near replied, his voice dry, although he was frowning now.

"Still," Linda said sourly and crossed her arms over the front of her mud-splattered hoodie, as if intent on being huffy enough for the both of them. "You could just tell them we're dating, you know. That would shut them up."

"No, that is not necessary," Near dismissed the idea immediately. "Then they'll just make fun of you, too."

"They already do, just for talking to you," Linda said, but not at all bitterly; she was simply acknowledging a fact that they were both well aware of. "Besides, I'm more than capable of taking care of myself. I mean, remember the time when I twisted Mello's arm, and he actually cried? He will never live that one down."

"Still," Near said, echoing her words and intonation from earlier, although it came out oddly unemotional nonetheless and Linda stifled a giggle.

"You're being way too overprotective, you know," Linda accused, smiling.

"Yes, I know," was Near's blunt reply.

"It's kind of cute," she said, placing her unmanicured but perpetually paint-stained fingernails over his own, and Near paused mid-piece to look directly into Linda's eyes as she closed the distance between them, stray strands of brown hair that had escaped her pigtails tickling his cheek as she glanced around to make sure the coast was clear and then leaned in to place a chaste kiss upon his lips. As she pulled back, Near noticed that that there were now streaks of mud on the front of his formerly pristine white pajamas, but he hardly cared where Linda was involved. She was the one variable he allowed in his equation, and no matter which way he solved it, he always reached the same conclusion: they just made sense together.

"If you think I am cute, you are severely underestimating me, but I will take that as a compliment," Near said, twirling his hair around a forefinger now as he stared at his girlfriend, his attention successfully diverted from his puzzle as he was sure Linda had intended.

"Not so fast. I think you're being cute, but not to the exclusion of stupidity. We really should do something about this. It is not acceptable in any way, shape, or form for Mello and Matt to vent all their frustrations on you like this, and you know it. You can't just keep sitting there and taking it," Linda ranted in her typical busybody manner, picking up a puzzle piece at random and putting it in the correct location fairly effortlessly, probably because she had designed it in the first place, not to mention she was fourth in the rankings.

"It's easy to say that in theory, but there's not really anything we can do about it, except wait for them to get bored like all of the times before this," Near countered, voice steady, eyes steadier as he met Linda word for word and gesture for gesture. "If I wanted revenge, I would've gotten it by now, but isn't that pointless in this situation? You know Mello and Matt, they will only escalate the conflict if I allow them to do so."

"But it's escalating anyway, even though you've been ignoring them," Linda pointed out stubbornly.

"Maybe," Near acknowledged, recalling how Matt had hacked into his computer last week and made it look like Near had downloaded immense amounts of gay pornography. Roger, who monitored their Internet usage closely, hadn't looked Near in the eye ever since the incident, and more importantly he had temporarily suspended Near's computer privileges, which was a bit annoying to say the least when he needed them to keep up with his schoolwork and maintain his position as number one at Wammy's House. Luckily Linda had been letting him come to her room after class so that he could use her laptop instead. "However, the fact remains that it is the lesser of two evils to ignore them rather than to provoke them further."

"I know," Linda said promptly. "That's why neither is the correct answer. We have to step out of the logic box and stop their teasing in a way that makes them think that it was their own idea."

"Go on," Near replied, implicitly acknowledging the validity of Linda's argument.

"Well, you know why Matt and Mello call you gay all the time, right?" Linda prompted, reaching up to redo her right pigtail because it was beginning to fall out in earnest now.

"Because they are juvenile," Near replied disparagingly, although admittedly this was an odd statement to make when he was a teenager currently surrounded by a circle of puzzle pieces, a toy airplane, and a few robot figurines.

"That, and?" Linda encouraged.

"They're mean-spirited?" Near attempted again, as if his words were a particularly difficult puzzle piece to place and he was trying them for size.

"And?"

"…I am not sure what you're getting at, Linda," Near said, more shortly now. Sometimes it was difficult for him to follow Linda's logic in the same way that it was difficult for him to follow Mello's, because they were rash and crass and unpredictable. Probably that was why he liked Linda and at least respected Mello in spite of how cruel he could be, because unlike most other people, they presented somewhat of a challenge to his less-developed emotional and social intellect.

"Seriously Near, aren't you supposed to be the smartest one here?" Linda said sarcastically, and Near wasn't offended because he knew her backhanded compliment had an emphasis on the compliment rather than the backhanded. "Puberty, blossoming sexuality, confusion, frustration, any of this ringing a bell?"

"…You're saying that Mello and Matt call me gay to mask their insecurity about their own sexuality?"

"Exactly!" Linda said, poking him in the shoulder with an outstretched finger. "They are so gay for each other."

"I am not so sure. They've been best friends since they were six and five years old, respectively, so they're more like relatives," Near said, although he looked up thoughtfully as he considered the idea more deeply, twirling and untwirling the same strand of hair a few more times before continuing, "On the other hand, we've also known one another since childhood and now we are together, so although I wouldn't say it is probable, it is possible that Mello and Matt are attracted to one another… and you're right, if we could make them realize that they are gay themselves, I doubt even they would have the audacity to use that insult anymore. It's a bit of a gamble, but as long as we act indirectly such that Mello and Matt can't link us back to it, it is probably one worth trying."

"Right, now we just have to think of a plan," Linda said, but Near stayed silent, resuming his puzzle because gathering the pieces together also aided him in gathering his thoughts, a process which would be difficult in this case. He had very little to go on in terms of matchmaking experience or understanding romantic relationships in general, seeing as Linda was essentially his first and only friend as well as his first and only girlfriend, so it made sense that Linda was the first to speak again because this was more her area of expertise. "Ah, I know! What if I pretended to hit on Matt and got Mello all jealous? You know how he is, Mello flips if anyone so much as says good morning to Matt aside from him, so if someone actually asked Matt out, I bet Mello would ask Matt out too just by reflex, one-upping the competition and all that."

"No, it's too obvious. Matt might fall for it, but Mello would realize you were up to something, maybe even make a connection back to me, so we'd only be putting ourselves in the line of fire," Near rejected, resting his chin on his one upright knee as he continued to piece together his puzzle, thinking. "Plus it has a good chance of backfiring completely, since Matt has shown interest in girls before, even though they are all too terrified of Mello to return his affections, and you're attractive enough that Matt would probably go after you despite your past conflicts. I don't want that," he concluded somewhat possessively, as if Linda were his favorite toy and a single touch from Matt could stain her brilliant varnish. Linda rolled her eyes.

"Well neither do I, but that's all I've got as far as ideas go," she replied. "How about you?"

"Actually, your original idea might work, if we alter it just a bit. Instead of going at it directly, we could send Matt an anonymous love letter or present from secret admirer x, which would eliminate the problem of your involvement, and we could manipulate the interaction much more subtly to push Matt in Mello's direction without raising any suspicions. If we typed it I think Matt would be able to trace it back to the kind of printer we used, which could give us away, but you're skilled enough with calligraphy to replicate someone else's handwriting, correct?"

"No problem," Linda affirmed.

"No fingerprints, no hairs, no skin cells," Near said, then added after a moment's pause, "No artist's pencils either, something generic like a ballpoint pen."

"Of course," the brunette answered. "I've been trained as a detective too, you know. Besides, do you really think Mello would test the letter for skin cells?"

It was silent for a moment, and then Near said, "Yes, definitely," as Linda simultaneously corrected herself, "Actually, yes, he would, wouldn't he." Realizing their synchronicity, Linda laughed, and Near smiled slightly behind the veil of his pajama pant leg.

"Why don't you come with me to make sure I do it properly? You're much better at the analytical side of things, putting together the evidence or constructing the perfect crime or whatnot," Linda explained by way of invitation, and unlike the majority of her frequent inquiries as to whether or not he wanted to accompany her outside, this one he accepted because he much preferred spending time with Linda one-on-one, stolen moments in the common room or entire evenings together in the privacy of their dorms.

"I'll return these to my room and get some equipment, then I'll meet you in ten minutes or so," Near said, gesturing to the multitude of puzzle pieces and other toys strewn about the floor, which Linda helped him to collect before they stood up and went their separate ways at the door, their only goodbye a warning in Near's direction not to get stalled by Mello and Matt. He nodded and took his usual path toward his dorm, a bit roundabout but less likely to cross paths with Mello and Matt and thus saving him from wasting time and energy in the long run. After depositing his toys on the gray bedspread and collecting some sterilizing equipment and other items that would aid in their plan, tucking them covertly beneath his arm before leaving the dorm, he made his way carefully to the third floor, although Near was the last person anyone would ever expect to be sneaking into the girl's dormitory and so the stealthiness was practically unnecessary. He knocked softly, and a moment later Linda was at the door, allowing him to slip in before shutting it equally quietly.

Linda took a seat at her drawing desk, which was for once cleared of the array of paints, rulers, charcoals, and other artistic tools that usually littered its surface, not even a trace of pencil lead or eraser head left because she had already wiped it down. Near double-checked the surface for artifacts, then stretched some plastic over the top for good measure before seating himself on the edge of the bed just next to her, pulling his left leg to his chest and watching his girlfriend as she picked out standard Wammy-issue paper and pencil from a fresh package and set them on the surface with impeccable latex-covered fingers.

"So what should we write?" Linda said, pausing with the tip of the lead resting just above the surface of the page as she glanced at Near.

"Hmm, we need to write it in a manner that will simultaneously make Mello jealous but not actually get Matt interested in his admirer, rather he has to realize his feelings for Mello," Near said, considering the situation from various angles. "Matt is fairly shallow and focuses mostly on appearances when it comes to women, so how about something like, 'Dear Matt, I've been in love with you for many years, but I am afraid to say it in person because you won't think I'm pretty enough. Could we be pen pals instead, at least until I get a nose job? Please don't show this letter to Mello, I know how close you two are, but I'm sure he will make fun of me if he finds out who I am, and I've seen the way he looks at you and I don't like it. You should be mine, as I will be forever yours. Signed, your secret admirer.'"

"Not bad, Near, not bad," Linda replied, starting immediately in a dainty, loopy script that was the complete opposite of Linda's usual blunt scrawl, and Near noticed that she made some alterations to his suggestions as she went such as adding hearts and some grammatical quirks that made the letter seem less sterile, as Near had said it, and more girly, which was definitely an improvement. Rather than feeling frustrated at being corrected or otherwise outdone as Near probably would have in most other cases, he merely acknowledged that, as per usual, they made the perfect partners in crime. The finished product was for all intensive purposes a masterwork, as far as Near and Linda were concerned, both the inside and the outside of the envelope having passed inspection, and the two exchanged a smirk, looking a bit sadistic compared to the general impression of Near as an emotionless robot and Linda as a social butterfly, but this was who they were at heart, and when they were together they shared both their good and their bad sides.

"I'll slip this under their door on the way back to my room; it's still early so they should still be out on the grounds," Near said, having stored the letter in a plastic bag temporarily in order to protect it from contamination by foreign matter, and Linda nodded, stretching her dexterous fingers out over her desk and looking back at Near where he stood.

"I wonder if this will actually work. Our move may be a bit too subtle for people as emotionally challenged as Matt and Mello," Linda mused aloud, looking up at Near through long eyelashes – no make-up, just naturally beautiful, or at least that was how she seemed to Near. In general terms, she would probably be described as plain, cute at best, especially since she wore her hair in a manner that made her look much younger than her years and generally dressed in a rather tomboyish ensemble of hoodies and sneakers, her only particularly feminine feature being her tendency to wear miniskirts or high-cut shorts. One of the many inexplicable reasons why he loved her, his living work of art.

Near leaned in over the back of Linda's chair to lay a kiss upon her forehead, noting that it tasted a little bit like salt, probably sweat leftover from her earlier activities outdoors. "Either way, we'll find out tomorrow. If this fails, we'll figure out a way to make our next move slightly more aggressive, and even if it takes a bit of time, we'll win without them even knowing it."

"Mm-hm, of course they can't beat you and me," Linda agreed. "We're the perfect team."

"Come to the common room tomorrow and I'll let you know how it goes," Near said as he left, creeping back along the corridors, unwrapping the note from the plastic bag, and tucking it under the door to Mello and Matt's dorm room before shuffling back to the safety of his own bedroom next-door as quickly and quietly as possible in the unlikely event that Mello and Matt were in fact inside and decided to check the hall. But as it turned out, no tomorrow was necessary, because around 11 o'clock, one hour after curfew, he heard Mello and Matt enter their bedroom, then he heard them fight, and finally he heard some rather disturbing sounds issuing from other side of the plaster that Near wished he could permanently purge from his memory. After listening to this for a good half hour and having knocked over the cards he was trying to stack at least a dozen times, the sounds still showed no signs of letting up, and Near finally retreated from his bedroom, cradling his favorite robot figurine close to his chest.

He snuck his was back through the empty, darkened halls and into Linda's equally blackened room, which she often left unlocked at night for just such purposes, and as usual he slipped under the sheets with her, his cold bare feet causing her to stir sleepily and murmur, "Near, what are you doing here?"

Her pigtails were more than half-out of their ties now, a disheveled mess of brown strands upon the pillow they were sharing, and Near had to push some of it out of his face in order to speak without ending up inhaling her hair. "It worked. It worked too well."

"Oh?" Linda said, still not fully aware, then it seemed to dawn upon her and she repeated, "_Oh._ You don't mean…?"

"Yes, they were definitely having sex, possibly oral," Near said with distaste, as if the word itself were dirty and did not comply with his standards of pristine white pajamas and pressed sheets and perfectly stacked rows of dice.

"Ew, seriously? I don't even want to think about that," Linda said with disgust, pulling the covers in tighter around herself. "How do you know?"

"I heard them going mmm, ohh," Near said incredibly blandly, and Linda burst out laughing.

"Oh god Near, please don't ever do that again. I'll be scarred for life if my first time is like…" she trailed off, blushing, and then turned onto her side to face the wall in order to avoid Near's eyes which were watching her in the dark, his lips dropped open slightly in surprise. Squeezing the toy robot and accidentally setting off one of its lights-and-flashing-sounds functions, which only added to the awkwardness, Near mirrored Linda's posture so that they were now laying back-to-back in the single bed, legs curled in toward their chests and looking more like the innocent children that they almost were, that they could have been given different circumstances, than boyfriend and girlfriend.

"This is not what was supposed to happen. I think we have made a grave miscalculation," Near said sulkily, staring at Linda's art desk for lack of anything better to do, and he noted that she had already finished another painting in the few hours they'd been apart. It smelled vaguely of acrylics in the room, but that was as usual.

"I'm sorry, it was my idea," Linda said meekly. "But hey, at least they probably won't be calling you gay or harassing you with gay pornography anymore."

"Probably they'll move on to something even worse," Near responded dryly.

"Probably," Linda acknowledged with a sigh. "Those two are such a pain. Let me know if you ever need me to beat them up."

"Okay," was all Near said, closing his eyes, completely relaxed with cool plastic pressed against his chest and the warmth of Linda's back seeping through the fabric of his pajamas. Maybe they would be spending more nights together like this from now on, scheming together, dreaming together: two bodies not quite intertwined, but still fitting together perfectly.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Wow, that ended up so much longer than I intended it to be, but I just started writing and couldn't stop! Does anybody else think Near/Linda and Mello/Matt are OTP? Does anyone even know who Linda is? Haha. I hope I didn't make her too much of a Sue... I tried really hard to represent her character accurately based on what little information we have of her. You could make the same argument about Matt being a Stu, though, so the couples of Mello/Matt and Near/Linda are actually quite similar. Near, probably OOC? I don't usually write him, and this fanfic is kind of fluffy/crack/I don't know what just by virtue of Near and Linda being together in it. Ah well. Leave reviews for review monster? :3


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